Fear of Starting, Fear of Failing…Again

Fear is the word that best describes what I felt when I first started my weight loss and body transformation mission in January of 2008. I can’t tell you the countless times I had sworn that THIS time I was going to do it!

With each fresh start there was a reoccurring feeling of disgust deep with in myself over how I looked. I believed this border line self-hate of my body would assure that I would do whatever it took to stick to a fitness program. I thought to myself that I couldn’t possibly hate my body this much and NOT be motivated enough to make a change. But with each attempt, a disappointing failure trailed closely behind. Sometimes I lasted an entire week without eating something I shouldn’t. Other times I actually completed weeks of loyally exercising, but when I saw minimal or no results, my motivation left me literally overnight.

When I started the mission of transforming my body, I struggled with a constant mental battle. Thoughts of failing warped my mind. Did I really believe I could or would lose weight THIS time? After giving birth to three children could my body really match the vision I desired for myself? However, my biggest fear was this: If I had given up so many times before after swearing to stick to a diet and workout program, what made me think THIS time was going to be different? This was my single biggest fear: failing yet again.

And then there was of course the war I had with food. Food was always my enemy - at least that’s how I viewed it. Whether it was resisting the snacks around the house or climbing Mt. Everest which involved cooking pre-planned healthy meals that the kids would not complain about! And because I have always been a compulsive over-eater, the second I felt overwhelmed or discouraged about NOT seeing results, I started stuffing food down my throat. Before I knew it, one day had turned into two and then a week, and then finally any remote progress I had made had vanished.

When I first began this mission, I felt disgusted with myself already, so I knew that if I quit once again, my self-worth was likely to plummet even more. So the question I asked myself was this, “What was going to be different THIS time around?” Something in my heart told me that here lied the key to my success.

I began to evaluate what kinds of thoughts normally got me into trouble in the past. The first that came to mind was my negative self-talk, either the night prior to going to the gym, as I was getting dressed for a work out, throughout the day as I cleaned and felt the rolls on my belly, or even while at the gym getting glimpses of myself in the mirror. I was constantly reminding myself of how “fat” I was or how “huge” my belly was or how “gross” my legs were. I dislike using the word “fat”, but that is the word many of us use when talking to ourselves. Isn’t it? We look in the mirror and say it loud and clear, “I am so fat.” These were the types of words and thoughts I actually used. But yet I was expecting myself to feel motivated enough to throw the kids in a jogging stroller and go power walking! This kind of self-talk was so depressing, I was lucky if I got out of bed! This was one of the mental challenges I took on first. I knew I had to change my old thought patterns if I was to have any chance of avoiding the trap of quitting. So I had decided to become aware of WHEN I was having these detrimental thoughts and quickly change/replace them with thoughts that would help me stay motivated for the long haul. I knew if I could remain motivated and focused, then eventually my body would change; it had to.

Here’s the quote that resonated with me and so I used it every time I needed it: “People who succeed don’t get caught up in the process, but stay focused on the end result.” It was something life coach specialist, Anthony Robbins, drilled into me from one of the books I was reading. This was powerful because it reminded me that if I wanted to truly stay motivated, stay focused long enough to see results, I had remember WHY I was doing this; the end result had to be my focus, NOT the process (how my body looked at the moment). That did not mean that I could not enjoy the process, but I could not get caught up in the fact that after one, two or even three months of exercising religiously and eating healthy, I STILL had not seen results! There is nothing more frustrating than doing what you are supposed to be doing and NOT seeing results! Your body may feel better, but let’s be honest, you want to SEE changes! You want to lose weight; you want to get smaller dammit! Isn’t that the truth? So for three months straight (it might have been closer to three-in-a-half) I worked out regularly (at least 4-5 times a week), cut out fast food, started cooking more fresh vegetables and lean meats, consumed more fruits, drank nearly a gallon of water daily and my body did nothing! Do you know how crazy a person can get under these circumstances? Do you know how quickly a person would want to throw in the towel? But I kept telling myself, “People who succeed don’t get caught up in the process, but stay focused on the end result.” I had to believe, I mean REALLY believe, that if I kept going, my body eventually WAS going to change. So that’s what I did…I kept going.

Something magical, yes magical, happened right around the 14the week. People started commenting on how I looked thinner, leaner. I went from seeing minimal results to experiencing dramatic changes within a matter of what seemed like a few weeks (Technically I had been busting my butt for almost 4-months)!

I had finally reached the first major hump -- visible motivation. Up to this point I had to rely on faith alone that my body would change. Now, I could see the change and I was fired up to say the least! There is very little “fun” in working out and NOT seeing results. I knew the next stage of my fitness journey was going to be slightly more exciting!